My Incredibly Important Opinions About The Olympics

1. Cross country skiing is insane.  I don't know what crazed Viking started the sport, but he was nuts. Maybe he thought "I know, I will ski until I want to die so that the rest of my life seems better in comparison".  I mean, these guys (and girls) literally collapse at the finish line.  They often have a lovely trail of drool coming out of their mouth and windburned faces the color of cherries. Yeah, that's how I want to spend my day. Where can I sign up?

2. I have a new respect for the snowboarders after trying it for myself and falling on my ass so many times that I couldn't sit down for days. Plus they're hot.

3. "Oh, Canada" is a really confusing anthem. The Canadians don't seem any less confused.

4.  Every time a moguls skier hits a bump going down the hill I think "knee replacement, knee replacement, knee replacement".

5. It makes sense that many figure skating pairs are also couples in real life. It's a very handsy sport.

6. Two weeks of Olympic games....That's a lot of Bob Costas. 

7. If the difference between Gold and Last Place is .03 seconds, you should find another sport (I'M TALKING TO YOU LUGERS!)

8. What The Fuck is wrong with the Japanese judges? Dudes, it's obvious, give it up.

9. I don't understand hockey.

10. I liked seeing Wayne Gretzky sweat when the torch thingy malfunctioned during the opening ceremonies.  I could just hear someone in the camera control room saying, "Move in on his upper lip. I WANT TO SEE THE GREAT ONE SWEAT DAMNIT!"